East Coast Vs. West Coast and The Closet of the Eternal Light Zombies

If you are fortunate enough to reside on what is lovingly known as the Left Coast, thank your upright walking God for your luck. So instead of Manhattan Beach, simmering under the golden California sun, you toil in an 8’ x 8’ box in an office building on the outskirts of Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Piss and Vinegar have nothing on you. You run on high-octane baby 24 / 7. Joe climbed a mountain. You made the mountain. Joe’s your bitch. You learned and mastered the Russian language but have trouble ordering a burger at Dave and Buster’s because frankly, the simple “normal” stuff escapes you. This may come off as a strong backhand to our citizens to the east but I find that it is necessary to bring it to their attention now and then. Lighten up. Breathe. In the immortal words of Mac Davis, Stop and smell the roses.

I’ve never met a more uptight class of folks than those from the East Coast. Not just New York but Virginia, Philly, New Jersey, Boston. Come on! Why so uptight? Live a little. Leave work at 5. Go walk barefoot through the grass. It’s OK your Master’s Degree will still be there in the morning. Wear some Chuck Taylor’s with holes in them (not pre-aged boutique ones you trendy bastard, age them yourself by wearing them EVERYWHERE)
Root for a team other than the Yankees or Red Sox. The Pirates need love too. I leave you with this cautionary tale my East Coasters. During the Dot com craze, I worked with some very talented people. To say they were over achievers would be akin to saying Steven King can kinda tell a story. They were too smart for their own good. Anyhoo, there were four gentlemen that were software geeks. I never met them. I saw them, but never met them. They were pointed out to me as “The Boys”. They never spoke to any of us and seemed to never leave. Not even a bathroom break. To this day I am positive they were fueled by fluorescent light. What we’re they creating you ask? It was computer software to help kids register for soccer games. No cure for cancer. No new energy source. Registration software, my people. So if you find yourself in a small space and tube lighting above you, run... Run like Zola Bud and LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: East Coast, West Coast, Dot Com, Yankees, Red Sox, Masters Degree, Mac Davis

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