The Sweet Release of Death

Cup O' Sink

02/04/2010 06:03 AM Filed in:Lunchroom Blues

Look at the photo. Yeah, I know... Should have put a time stamp on it. It’s 2010 folks and yes Virginia, the work sink is still plagued by the Cup O’ Soup Bandit. It’s like the Al-Qaeda of the lunchroom. Its not one person as much as it is a mindset, one goes down another shall rise. Its not just the lunchroom sink either, there are other helpless victims of this archaic groups broad swath of stupidity. Bathroom anyone? Ah, but that is another story for another time for now the focus lies on Mr. Sink. We have a general time that the Bandit strikes (most common during the hour of 11:30 am to 12:30pm) but its identity eludes us.

The Bandit blends in with the crowd that encloses around the microwaves and sink area in the fashion of a fine Spartan army. He is cloaked by the chaos that surrounds him; his crime against Mr. Sink is carried out swiftly and soundly. Mr. Sink is choked with the drain-clogging brutality that is stringy pasta and cubed carrots. Once the microwave jackals have cleared, the Bandit is gone like a Nixon file. Mr. Sink lies there suffering, gasping its last drain-gurgling breath. It is usually a bit later when a Samaritan stumbles upon the horrific scene, strolling over for a jolt from Mr. Coffee. It’s not like finding a dead prostitute in the Florida Everglades, but good god almighty its no Care Bears cartoon either. Some might be able to handle this debauchery, but most will need some serious time on Uncle Therapy’s couch for witnessing the carnage that lay before them.

So the dirty deed of clean-up and resuscitation of Mr. Sink falls upon the Samaritan of Coffee. Although the Samaritan of Coffee’s good deed is commendable, the monologue throughout the clean-up process is vitriolic. Each curse, getting more razor-sharp than the one before. Each nasty bit of carrot that is plucked from Mr. Sinks drain trap, brings forth a diabolical vignette of capturing the Cup O’ Soup Bandit. Each vignette brings forth yet another acidic curse. I’ll catch you, you filthy bastard... I’ll catch you, mutters the Samaritan of Coffee. So as Mr. Sink is brought back to life, his stainless steel face glimmering, the light casting off of his freshly scrubbed drain sends a twinkle of thanks to the Samaritan of Coffee. The lunchroom is at peace again... or is it? For while the Cup O’ Soup Bandit was executing his dirty deed, the Kill the Joe Bandit had also struck, leaving a stunned Mr. Coffee drained of his Columbian goodness. There will be no peace in the lunchroom today.

Tags: office slobs, bandits, workplace violence