The Sweet Release of Death

Your Sentence is Commute

The Old Man and The Sea of Tail Lights

02/11/2010 06:53 PM

My hair started going gray around the age of 27. Blame it on time? Naw. Blame it on watching my mom slowly die of cancer before my eyes? Not even. No, I blame my gray on the commuters of this town and their inability to merge into traffic. You see, at 27, I had to put away childish things and jump seriously into the fray that is the 9 to 5, 40 hour work week. I quit the band. I finished school, and donned the corporate-wasteland uniform of Dockers and dress shirts. God does that make my ass twitch. So with all ass-twitching aside, this is when I began a real intimate relationship that continues to this day, with Seattle workweek traffic. That’s right, I said Seattle. Seattle, you just ranked #1 in America for worst traffic! Not exactly the bar I was striving for you to raise. So why is it so hard to merge in this town? It’s the Lack-of-Attention Techno-Electronic Syndrome. Known on the streets with all the hip kids as L.A.T.E.S

You see the cars these days, are highly sophisticated pieces of machinery. Even your little 6 grand Hyundai is more technologically advanced, hell if the Japanese can make a toilet that plays The Battle Hymn of the Republic when you flush it, imagine the 0 and 1 data orgy going on under your hood! But hey folks, it’s not the car. It’s the driver, covered in every techno gadget spawned from a tag-team Jobs / Gates techie wet dream. How can you merge into traffic when your texting your wife to get the chicken in the oven cause daddy’s on his way? Couple in the factor that Text Master is also a sportin’ a Blue Tooth cause he can text and talk and surf the web, but he can’t fucking drive! Editors note: That Blue Tooth makes you look like a twinkling, schizophrenic Prince of Douchedom. Sorry sailor, it had to be said. As if enough is not going on with Mr. Twinkle, Hey! Isn’t it time for a movie? Sure! Why not throw in a nice Sandra Bullock movie and kick back for a bit, cause why the hell would you want to finish that lane change! Maybe that Tom-Tom can get your Dumb-Dumb ass over into the next lane.

If I could hack into anything, it would be the GPS / Sat-Nav systems of these living brain donors. I could send them to the nearest rock quarry for exciting car-off-cliff comic relief. Oh the sweet release that would be! But I’m no good at hacking, but I do love Gene Hackman. Maybe I can have him ride with me and let him unleash that classic Hackman rage onto the Techno Auto-bots clogging my pathway home. Now that would be good cinema!

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