The Sweet Release of Death

accounting, work, evil, star trek

Accounting: No One Can Hear You Scream in Space

02/18/2010 07:01 AM Filed in:The Mental Giants

There’s a place within each company where evil lurks. Its not a sinister evil like say Ted Bundy or Florence Henderson, no, its more like that of a 14 year old Asian kid that’s graduated Stanford (with honors) and can solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded, with his bare feet. That kind of evil. The evil of numbers and quotients and, special algorithms brought forth with the blessings of the Sum Gods and the magic of the Wizards of the Kingdom of Excel. Ya know? The Accounting Department. To set foot in the accounting department is to travel to another dimension. It solidifies the theories that, yes indeed Carl, Wormholes do exist in space. You may be only 20 to 30 paces from this area, but the quantum mechanics involved from your desk to their threshold are astounding. Why do you think you feel woozy upon entering their desolate land?

For most of us it’s a bit too much to take. I mean, you won’t be building models of The Devil’s tower out of mash potatoes at your dinner table, but you won’t be whistling Dixie either. For this is where the numbers of time and money collide on a daily basis and the aliens before you, hold it all together. My biggest fear is not nuclear proliferation or the terrorists of radical Islam. It’s the frightening idea that if the accounting department was left to its own devices, they would have too much fun with numbers and they, in their zany number-crutching frivolity, would create a disruption in the Space-Time continuum. The Earth that we know and love would simply collapse into a Black Hole. Thanks Accounting! Thanks a lot!

Luckily devices are in place to keep these maniacs from turning us all into anti-matter and their demeanor on an even keel. Talk radio is piped into their work areas to slow their brains down, kind of like white-noise static to keep their telepathy between each other at bay. Crossword puzzles are in generous supply for more distraction. There was The Great Suduku Incident of 2004 where the human race came perilously close to annihilation. Luckily black hole death was avoided, but the power that the Accounting department and Suduku conjured, did create a massive Tsunami in Asia. It was a brave soul in HR that flooded the offending accountants with a massive audio wave of Celine Dion. Each spring, HR departments all over the world are sent fresh batches of Celine to make sure this never happens again.

To occupy any amount of time over a minute in accounting is akin to being beamed aboard the Starship Enterprise, with the exception that the whole crew consists of 5 Dr. Spocks. Accounts Payable, Accounts Receivable. Dual flat screens awash with multi-paged Excel spreadsheets at every desk. Quizzical stares emanate from the group of Spocks, for you may as well be a great big pink blob with garden hoses sprouting forth from you. To them, you are the alien. So as I drop off my inventory sheets from the day before, I nervously look for The Transporter to beam me back to my world. Just then, my name is beckoned over the office intercom system. I am needed at the front desk. Whew! I now affectionately refer to the intercom as “Scotty” for it truly beamed my off of another planet.

Tags: accounting, work, evil, star trek