The Sweet Release of Death

addiction,facebook,myspace,cafe world, farmville

Pick up the phone Lance!!!

03/10/2010 07:57 AM Filed in:Cubicle: The Musical

Monday was bad. Abysmal more like it. Tuesday was no better. Did I tell you that I work with junkies? No? Well I’m telling you now cause maybe my story will help you in an ABC After School Special kind of way. Like most folks out there, I like a little nip off the old bottle here and there, and I ain’t one to be turning my nose up to someone who likes having a good time in large volume. But when it affects performance, you gotta get wise and mind your kit. That’s where my junkies come in. You see, my cube mates at one point were bringing home the gold in performance, which in turns keeps the heat off of our department from the Management... (I just threw up in my mouth...sorry. It happens when I say that word “Management”...pardon...) But then, one by one, The Affliction seeped into the room and now their tale is that of yet another tragedy thrown onto the scrap heap of American Excess. What’s their affliction? Social Networks.

Most cases start out with the softer time-sucks like Yahooing their friends Google, but then a smooth talking “friend” gives them a toot on MySpace and before you know it, they’re adding wireless hubs and splurging on laptops to stay connected all throughout the house. God forbid they miss a dose... I mean good lord, Franny’s kid just went poop in the bathtub! With the addition of the Social Networking paraphernalia, this is where the tale turns tragic. The Afflicted will turn down opportunities to meet and hang out with real live human beings, but will gladly rush home and drain 3-4 hours of their life with some Cyber Monkey on MySpace from Duluth. Eventually the real friends fade away and the Cyber Monkeys grow exponentially. And then it happens. A swarthy character appears and introduces the affliction of their destruction. Facebook. The Smack of Social Networking.

9 times out of 10, our vessel of swarthiness is that girl or guy you had in your sophomore biology class. The old “ Tiffany just added you as a friend, come join me at Facebook” line pulls them in like a bear to honey. Sometimes it starts as a twinge or a tingle. The rush of that first e-mail from a friend of friend that saw you puke behind Mary’s couch at that raging kegger back in ‘97. You’re like a seven year old jacked up on sugar and time just slips away... You find yourself wanting more and more, stockpiling friends you haven’t seen in ages. Welcome to addiction. My cube mates are sadly strung-out on the purer, more potent form of Facebook, the Golden Triangle brand if you will. They choose to let life slip by with Farmville and Café World. One cube mate is working the streets at night turning tricks to keep his iPhone connected so he can check his cabbage and send cows to his “friends” while on the go. It’s.. It’s tragic. I lost one friend to Mafia Wars, and I’m here to tell you, it would have been nobler if our friendship was lost and his life snuffed out, by a real flesh and blood Pauly Cianti Gambone. That would have been cool. But no, he got snuffed-out by a fucking avatar. Stupid douche.

But the true sadness with my cube mates is coming to work. Just the sight and the sounds of their affliction. Strung-out on Café World, with a stupid grin and a 10 thousand yard stare on their face. The Boss has blinders on making him the mother of all enablers. Denial is not a river in Egypt kids. But for me to sit here and preach would be hypocritical for I was a user too. Luckily I found a way out and cleaned up. I’m on the methadone of Social Networks (texting and e-mail) it’s a tough road and every now and then I fall off the wagon. I’ll post a narcissistic quip on my status and use the logic that “ I’ll just do it this one time to show that stay-at-home mom Nancy that she is not all that.”
So as cabbage and sheep get delivered in virtual land on the left of me and machine guns and soup get doled out on the right, my workload has quadrupled. That’s not virtual. That’s reality.

Tags: addiction,facebook,myspace,cafe world, farmville