The Sweet Release of Death

Ann coulter, Uma Thurman, Fergie, Megan Fox, Madonna, Man Hands, Sales, Salesperson

Lady Man Hands

02/28/2010 04:27 PM Filed in:Secrets of The Side Show

To be in sales, one must possess the ability to not take no for an answer. Ability, hell, it’s more like a DNA code of absolute refusal. The pursuit will not stop until the word yes is released in utter surrender from the sales persons prey. Along with the ability to refuse no for an answer, looks are a big, big plus. If you have looks to boot, hell you could sell just about anything to anybody. But what if there were a flaw? Pitch-lines are perfect, you have style and grace... Pizzazz lets say. But right there, smack dab in front of you, there’s a flaw of great magnitude. Your hands. And if you are a lady, it can be crushing to your career. I’m talking Man Hands here folks. Its male counterpart is the Dead-Fish Handshake, (we’ll get to that in the near future guys, this one is for the ladies) Now I don’t know what the hell happened for you to be afflicted with Manish hands, but I sure would like to know. Is it God’s little Ha! Ha! to you after giving you a 9.8 body he just went, “And now...Freakish manly hands! For I am God and I loves me a good joke!” Which is true, I mean look at some of the celebrities roaming the streets of Hollywood and New York with hot bods and some seriously creepy, manly hands. Fergie, Uma, Madonna, Ann Coulter. Megan Fox doesn’t have man hands but she does have a man’s big toe for a thumb so, sorry babe, you are an honorary member of The Freaky Man Hand Club.

It’s traumatizing, I know ladies. I’m sure it’s traumatizing for all involved. You’re pitching a deal, you’ve got them where you want them and it gets down to a signed agreement. That’s where the tragedy unfolds. A contract is placed before the prospective client and as both parties agree to sign, you, Lady Man Hands, pull out your magic Cross pen to sign, and a look of embarrassed horror flashes across the prospects face like a fart in church. “Damn” He’s thinking: “she’s got hands like my uncle Karl. He was a mechanic for the railroad... and she’s just in sales... oh my gentle Jesus.” The seed of doubt has been planted, then, there is the dreaded handshake. Some may shake Lady Man Hands, while some may simply nod and say “OK then!” out of fear. For those that shake, They’re thinking: “God...if I closed my eyes and didn’t know any better, I’d swear I’m shaking hands with my old college roommate Pete. He worked construction during summer breaks and could open beer bottles with his thumb...” Yes it could really be a mind scrambler to some.

When a fellow lady, but of the soft, supple, Palmolive variety encounters Lady Man Hands, it can be extremely dangerous, no, explosive. The energy produced when these two factions meet is palpable. The largest, most violent of manly-man prison riots pale in comparison to the kinetic energy released when these two powers collide*. It usually unfolds like this: Lady Man Hands goes to shake hands with Supple Lady-Lady Hands. Supple Lady-Lady Hands upon engagement with Lady Man Hands, instantly reacts with her own inner monologue of: “ whoa... that feels like... my ex-boyfriend Roger’s hand. The bastard cheated on me with that slut Maggie... and this sales twit looks like Maggie...Now I have to beat her ass!” And then it’s on! Some would say it was poor Lady Man Hands curse of looking like Maggie and not her freakish man hands that caused the violent reaction. True, but I’m going with the Man Hands Shake as the root cause. It reminded Supple Lady-Lady Hands about Roger and frankly, Roger is a prick.

So what’s a girl of Manish Hands to do? Well sadly nothing in the sales arena that’s for sure. There’s always a knuckle-bustin good time at the local garage, and the Fire Department is always in need of big hands. Have you seen those fire hoses? Geesh! You can always run an ad on Craigslist as “Jar Opener” people with tiny hands would certainly keep you busy... lots of peanut butter and pickle jars that need opening. So ladies, if life gives you lemons, make fresh-squeezed lemonade. You certainly have the hands for it.

*Editors note: in 1957, these two factions met by pure chance at a roadside diner on a lonely stretch of highway, in a remote part of Nevada. Our crack investigative team here TSROD have unearthed a government cover-up of the actual event. The diner and a ten-mile radius surrounding it were vaporized. The highway was diverted and the site remained hidden from the public for decades under the guise of a top-secret US Air Force base, code named “Alice” The papers obtained by TSROD through the Freedom of Information Act, detail a chilling encounter of atomic proportions, between two women and took the lives of 12 innocent bystanders and left a permanent scar on the face of the state of Nevada. For a copy, e-mail TSROD: info@tsrod.com

Tags: Ann coulter, Uma Thurman, Fergie, Megan Fox, Madonna, Man Hands, Sales, Salesperson

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