The Sweet Release of Death

CSI Miami, David Caruso, Wrigley's mint gum, Aladdin's lamp

The Minty Freshness of Monday

04/06/2010 05:43 AM Filed in:Tales from the Crypt

Monday. It’s like giving CPR to the cast of The View. Could it be worse? Yes it can, cause its Monday. Monday packs a nasty punch and if you don’t know your hooks from your jabs, you could be down for the count before you cream your coffee. So when I wandered into the production shop men’s room to answer the call, Monday broke protocol and delivered a green nugget of the human experience. Lying ever so comfortably up against the pee-puck basket, was a blessed little chewed-up slice of Wrigley’s minty best. Yes, some previous urinal patron felt that the neon pink pee-puck was just not enough to keep the porcelain prince fresh. So the mysterious patron just flapped open their maw and plopped out their neon green baby of freshness.

So this is surprising? Yes indeed. For this act of civil service from the mystery patron before me, was torn straight out of the Doublewide Bible. This act of pure “My day just sucks ass” is usually reserved for Thursday. By Thursday, there are usually one or two workers that just snap and take it out on the facility in their passive-aggressive way. Somebody’s gone mental from a bad week, so they blow up a burrito in the microwave, kill a pot of coffee, and jam the copy machine as a coup de grace. You know? Pissed-off cause its not Friday yet. So when a minty fresh nugget of “Kiss my Ass, World” shows up on a Monday, I fear the carnage that lay over the horizon of Wednesday.

But Monday’s surprise of gift giving is not over. Oh no, not in the slightest. For above the green nugget accessorized urinal, a clue to the Wrigley offender was left behind, not unlike that of his cave painting Cro-Magnon ancestors. A greasy palm print lay before me. The old calling card of the “lean to pee” gang. Oh Monday, you just keep dishing it out, when our plates are full. If I were to wish for anything in this situation (besides wishing to forget the green nugget and the greasy palm print) I’d wish for the Magic of Aladdin’s Lamp. I’d ruba-dub-dub and ask the Genie of the Lamp “Genie! I wish for David Caruso and his CSI Miami Forensic Team, Pronto! NOW!” As you wish atones the Genie. POOF! Caruso appears. He takes a look at the debauched urinal, the greasy palm print and slowly turns his head down to the floor. At that moment, one of the crew pulls the green nugget of Wrigley’s out of the puck basket; Caruso peers over his shades and purrs “ It looks like our perp liked a little mint with his pee” YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Monday, you’re the best thing not on TV.