The Sweet Release of Death

Daffy Duck, Spody

Destiny Breaks Parole

04/15/2010 07:00 AM Filed in:The TSROD Blotter

Sometimes work pays you in dividends that you could never find anywhere else. Sometimes these dividends are really cool, like a vendor dropping by and hooking you up with tickets to the ballgame. Sometimes, you get to kick back on a late Friday afternoon and have a drink with the boss. All and all, good clean fun that didn’t cost you anything but a bit of time. But sometimes, every once in a blue moon, Destiny gets jumped and wrestled to the ground in a whirlwind of comic gold. Fate is funny like that. It happened in the not too distant past. You see one of our temp workers, we’ll call him Tony the Strap, he thought it wise to cut off his house arrest ankle bracelet (mistake #1) and move freely about town. And that is just what he did. He Moved! (Mistake #2)

Since Destiny was filling his head with “You da man! You da Muthafuckin’ MAN!” Tony the Strap committed mistake #3 in failing to inform his parole officer of his whereabouts. Now I’m no Einstein, but I figure that if you cut your strap off, move without telling anyone, but YOU KEEP YOUR JOB, Fate is not gonna come knocking. Oh no sir-ree-bob. Fate is gonna come busting through those doors like the fuckin Kool-Aid Man, and be looking to put serious Orange Boot-to-Ass!

Well, Fate came a knockin’ one day and although I did not hear the heralded call of “Oh Yeah!” beckoned by the orange vessel of summertime refreshment, I did hear of the orange boot-to-ass deliverance. You see, Mr. John E. Law played the part of Mr. Kool-Aid, with fervor and much gumption. Mr. Law dressed up in his finest “Hey look at me! I’m an undercover cop!” undercover cop wear, and rolled by Corporate Land to just have a looksey for Tony the Strap. Much to his chagrin, there stand The Strap out in the parking lot on a smoke break. Since it was close to quiting time, Kool-Aid Man decided it was time to call in for back up refreshments. Dr. Pepper, Canada Dry and Clamato (hey its my story)

As backup arrived, they arranged themselves in a standard “Hey we’re not really cops, we’re customers” way too conspicuous formation, Tony the Strap walked to the time clock with a spring in his step to the tune Destiny was singing him. Little did he know that Fate was about to blow up the turntable. As Tony the Strap crossed over the threshold, he spotted John E. Law out of the corner of his eye. At that moment, Tony the Strap became Daffy the Duck and made a crazy break for it. (Mistake #4) As he hoot-hoot-hooted around a corner, leaving Kool-Aid Man in the dust, he cam face to face with Dr. Pepper and the rest of the Beverage Bunch. What happened next was the equivalent of a cop takedown Spody; everything in. Guns were drawn, tasers unleashed, and batons clutched and at the ready. You would have thought they caught Osama.

So as Tony the Strap lay face down on the pavement, our personal episode of Cops was starting to wind down. Myself and the rest of Tony the Strap’s co-workers, had to bob and weave through the cock walking and high-fiving of Kool-Aid Man and the Beverage Bunch. As Tony the Strap was tossed into the back of the squad car, he was as chipper as a Labrador puppy. “I’ll be back! Don’t fill my spot! I’ll be back!” he bellowed. You gotta love the optimism and the fighting spirit. To be a rebel, that was his destiny. To be a parole jumping, boot kicking party favor for the local Gestapo, that’s got Fate tattooed all over it.

Tags: Kool-Aid, Dr.Pepper, Clamato, Canada Dry, Osama, Fate, Destiny,, Daffy Duck, Spody