The Sweet Release of Death

delta airlines, Keith Richards, Stan Lee, Rick Baker, Steve Jobs,iPod, Vacation

A Vanload of Thieves, A Volcano and 5 Delta Flight Attendants: A Vacation mini series part 2

04/27/2010 07:41 PM Filed in:Life on the Outside

So after many hours on the phone with Expedia, the decision was made that if we can’t go East we will go West, way West, Hawaii. After unloading the sweaters, coats, scarves etc from our bags and reloading it with t-shirts and shorts, it was back to the airport and off to the island. The first leg of our flight was from Seattle to LA and with that I ran into an old friend, Travel Baby. He’s on almost every flight I take regardless of destination and it was nice to see him again. He hasn’t aged a bit and still sounds the same. He’s still five months old, with huge, big lungs. Man that kid can scream! After a brief pit stop and a change of planes in LA, we were finally off to Kauai. Through all the changes that the volcano created, I felt a bump to first class was called for. So as we settled into the large leather seats that Delta has to offer, I daydreamed about the forthcoming complimentary beverages and snacks.

I usually fly Hawaiian Air and they are Johnny-on- the- spot when it comes to service. I was starting to understand rapidly that these Delta folks just weren’t getting it. I have a relative that lovingly refers to flight attendants way past their prime, as “Grimies” as in “Boy howdy is she sure grim looking!” this of course applies to the male equivalent also. Well, on this flight, Delta had the market cornered on frightful looking staff. These folks were straight out of Stan Lee’s nightmares. Rick Baker wouldn’t have enough spirit gum and latex rubber to create the droops, sags and crags this lot was carrying about. Yeesh! About five minutes pass and still no drink. Hmm… I did notice that our token male flight attendant was standing right across from me with a fresh Mai Tai for a lady and her male friend. Now mind you I could not see her, only hear her (her laugh will echo in my deepest nightmares) as my line of sight was blocked by Token’s ass encroaching over my shoulder as he leaned to give her that dewy Mai Tai.

At this point I hear her say to the attendant “Yes! Connie and I are deadheading… Hi Connie!” Then Connie pops up from the seat in front of me “Hi! Cheers!” Ech! Just then, Token moves and now I finally get a shot at the Mai Tai Dead-Head. Good Lord… Keith Richards with boobs. A sense of fright overcame me and I started calculating the odds of surviving this flight intact. I started to wonder if this was turning into a George Romero zombie movie. A quick glance to my left, ok, 2 deadhead there. A quick look up towards the front, 2 more. Add in 3 of the 4 working staff yuking it up with their non-working buddies, and it was no mystery as to why me and the rest of my fellow working class stiffs were not getting served.
Editors note: It is at this point that I would like to give a shout out to Mr. Steve Jobs and the brilliant design team at Apple for the creation of the iPod. I truly believe that Steve was more than likely on a similar flight and said to himself “ Note to Self: Create a portable music/movie device to help in the suppression of violent murder spasms. P.S. You are the Man! And, never forget that Bill Gates is an idea-stealing hack.”

Once the Token had his fellow Delta monsters taken care of, my drink arrived and since the fright crew got a jump on the rest of us in the drink department, their gums were a flapping. And flap they did! I’m not joking here when I say that the duo in front of me talked the whole way. They yammered on about absolutely nothing AT ALL for the 5 hours and 41 minutes it took to fly from LA to Lihue. And to spice it up a bit, since everybody was such good friends, they played musical chairs and kept the Gabapalooza going full tilt.

Every now and then you hear about some maniac going berserk on a long flight, and how he/she tries to pry open one of the planes exit doors in an attempt to depart the aircraft. Now I know why. They either 1. Have no iPod or 2. It has run out of juice and left them to suffer through torturous hours of mind numbing, pointless and never ending conversations. Bailing out at 35,000 feet starts to sound appealing at that point. So the next time you hear about a guy going Coo Coo for Coco Puffs on a plane, Remember to have your iPod fully charged before that plane pushes back. Hell, buy another iPod as backup cause Lord knows you don’t want to hear about how Connie’s Chlamydia was cured by watching American Idol in Spanish and Brittany’s 3 year old is wearing pull-ups now but, the dog still scratches his butt on the Berber, but at least Bill has stopped throwing up in my hair at night since he started taking Cialus… Eventually the Delta Deadhead Hot Air Sky Team got us to Kauai in one piece and ending what I would refer to as the longest, non-political filibusters of bullshit I have ever encountered.
Delta: One Great Airline!

Tags: delta airlines, Keith Richards, Stan Lee, Rick Baker, Steve Jobs,iPod, Vacation

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